Yesterday I was at my local Costco buying a 50lb bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit the wonder dog, and was in the 
checkout line when I woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think, I had an elephant? 

So since I am retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital the last time, but that I had lost 50 pounds the last time before I woke up in the intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. 

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply 
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again

 (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) 

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off of a curb to sniff an 
Irish setter's butt and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard, and the 
woman behind him wet her pants. Costco wont let me shop there anymore. 

If there is a moral to this true-life adventure, it is that you should be careful what you ask retired people, they have all the time in the world to think up crazy things to say.